Tears on my pillow

   Seems like I haven't written in forever. I typically write when something is getting on my last nerve, a pop culture thinger has caught my eye, or when I feel like my world is spinning out of control. This weekend has been of the latter variety. I guess I haven't written anything since I started dating Jon.
     You ever feel like screaming so loud that your lungs blow up? I've been feeling that way since last night. Today just dumped on a double dose. I really feel stuck. How is it that I could still be "broken" after doing everything in my power to fix the problem? I wish I knew exactly what the answer to this equation is. So far, everything has only been leading to tears. I really hate crying, but every situation I'm in seems to lead to a dead in. I've tried praying about this, but it seems like not even prayer will soothe me. I don't even feel like finishing this...

Worth Fighting For

   I have never been a fighter. Okay, I'm lying. I used to fight boys all the time as a little girl. I try not to fight, though. I try to reason. My first instinct is to work through a problem without fighting. I have noticed that some things deserve a good fight on their behalf. The first thing that comes to mind is true love.
     While I don't want to dwell on the past, I think I should reference some events for the sake of this post. I have learned lots of lessons from past relationships:

1. I've learned that I have the strength to endure, if I so choose.
2. I've learned that I can handle the ups and down of a long term/military relationship, if I so choose.
3. I've learned that I can and should stand up for myself at all times.
4. I've learned that some men just want a trophy girlfriend and having a brain hurts their ego.
5. I've learned that men have just as much emotional baggage as women.
6. I've learned that if I spend more days unhappy, I'm wasting my own time.
7. I've learned that I will be most happy with someone else if I am happy alone...FIRST.

    These lessons have played a vital role in my current relationship. Things have come up in my current relationship, in which I referenced these lessons. My mistakes are truly reference points for what to do. I know that my boyfriend is different from my exes and I take that into consideration, but use my previous mistakes and/or reactions to decide what to do.
    I'll admit, I was never inclined to stick it out when the going got tough. At least not in my previous relationships. When I weighed the pros and cons, it really was not worth it. I really didn't have the energy or desire to fight to make it work. My whole idea of that has completely changed since meeting my boyfriend.   We have our share of issues, but I am willing to work through them with him. He is more than patient with me and I am truly happy about that. I can be myself around him and he is accepting of it. I can take correction from him and I don't go into defense mode. In a like manner, I can talk to him about anything and he'll listen. We can talk it out in a civil manner. I love the fact that he doesn't put me on some super girlfriend pedestal. I've never liked that feeling, it's too much pressure.
     I used to think that something was wrong with me because after six months or so, I'd get tired of being in a relationship or I'd turn a rebound into a relationship. Although dating my boyfriend was a shocker to most of my friends (for numerous reasons), we took our time. That's something I haven't done since the last relationship I've had that's lasted this long (hmmm...another lesson learned?). It has made a world of a difference.
     What I'm about to say may make some people say to themselves, "it's too soon to think like that". I disagree because I can't really tell my heart how to feel. Besides, the pressure I have been getting about when I'll get married has been unbearable. I think people think that a degree, marriage, and babies happen like 1-2-3.
     Either way I'm going to say this...I really would like for this to be my last relationship. I want this to be my last awkward first date, my last first kiss, my last  time introducing a guy to my family and friends, my last time having to meet a guys family and friends...just the last of the last.
     I've realized some things about my boyfriend and I which confirm my feelings:

1.We are our own people outside of our relationship. We have our own likes and dislikes, sets of friends...He's not my better half. He's a whole person, as am I.

2.We can be boring together. My sister jokingly calls us old, but we have our fun. We take walks around the park with his dog, but that is some of our most enjoyed time together. It doesn't have to be a huge date for us to enjoy each other's company.

3.I'm not thinking about any other guy, but him. Yes I am human and no I am not saying I'm oblivious to other men. However, I am not thinking about backups for my relationship or stepping out on my boyfriend.
4.My boyfriend brings out the best in me. I tend to be a little bit nicer when he's around. I have this silly, girlish smile plastered on my face when he texts me in class. I have become more understanding and patient. I've also become a better listener since meeting him.

5.I am willing to sacrifice for  him. There have been things in which I've chosen to support him. I'm not looking for everything to be 50/50. Sometimes I know I'll have to give 100% with nothing in return in that specific situation. I know that the tables will be turned and he'll do the same. There's a huge sacrifice that will be coming up soon and I have been preparing for it. I know it's something that will affect both of us, so I am going to just hold down the fort.

6.I like encouraging him and vice versa. This guy is knocking out his second degree and he makes me so proud! I make sure I tell him that. It's not even about stroking his ego or anything. I truly admire his hard work. He supports my work as well. Today, he joined my sorority and my campus' chapter of his fraternity for a mentoring program. I was elated to have him in attendance.

7.I can be honest with him. This really needs no explanation, but I am so happy that we can keep each other's secrets and lend a listening ear.

8.We respect each other, even when we disagree. I love the fact that I still desire to watch cartoons with him after an argument.

9.Our desires in life sort of mirror each other. I wont go into details about our future goals. Within our many talks of future plans, I have realized we have a lot in common.

10.Everyone loves him! This wasn't a make or break thing for me, but I love the fact that my family and friends love him. He finds out family information before I do! While the marriage pressure is VERY annoying, it is a cool reminder that everyone would happily accept him into our family.

11. I see long term. When we go to places like Ikea or even walks around the neighborhood, I think about long term. I find myself asking him about his tastes in furniture or home styles. Little things make me think about the future...with him.

12. I'd like to one day marry him. If for some reason I couldn't have my dream wedding, I'd elope. Having the ultimate commitment to the one I love is way more important to me than all the chiffon, tulle, and floral arrangements.

Maybe I was waiting for the perfect person to fight for. If that's the case, there's no doubt in my mind that I've found him.

Nuptials!

     Before anyone thinks that I'm engaged or anything like that, I am not...for now. I think this post does come from the facts that my parents have just renewed their vows with a full blown wedding, a lot of my friends are either engaged or newlyweds, I have reached the "golden marriage period", and I strongly believe I have found the guy for me. 

     I'll admit, I've been doing a bit of research regarding wedding planning. Helping my mom with their re-dedication ceremony got me buzzing. I've been pricing places and taking notes about things that I'd like for my wedding. The deeper I get into my research, the more I desire a small, intimate setting. I want it to be fun and to reflect who we are as a couple. Simultaneously, I want the ceremony to remain very sacred. This is a huge step that shouldn't be taken lightly. I looked  up the word nuptial and here's what I found: "nuptials - the social event at which the ceremony of marriage is performed" (via thefreedictionary.com). Yeah...ummm...I don't want that! A social gathering? Just give me the ceremony, my husband, and a nice dinner. It doesn't have to be a "pinkies up when you drink" kind of deal. Just something to say, "Hey, those kids are married now!". 


     I really have been conflicted with the thought of who I would invite to my wedding. For starters, I have too much family. My friends would never even make the list. Also, I have a lot of friends from various places. Did I mention that I am in a sorority? How about the fact that I am friends with members of the fraternity, too? I didn't even count in ALL of my church members. That's a lot of people. So, who is invited? Not even half of those people. I honestly do not see the point of inviting people who I haven't spoken to in the past year. I feel that the people who get invited should be the closest people to me at that time. I really would like to stay under 50 people. Think about it, you pay for all these people to come and eat, and you probably only talk to a few. I guess gifts are nice, but that wouldn't be my focus. I'll likely be elated to start my new life with my husband. Call me cheap, but I am not going to go broke on a wedding, when I can be saving money for kicking off my marriage (with a nice honeymoon). 
     Speaking of honeymoons, I'd really like to honeymoon in Disney World. It's so much fun, yet it can be very romantic. Contrary to what people think, it's not babyish. There happens to be a lot of things on Disney property for adults to do. I want to stay on their property and see it all!  I think I'd be a corny new bride in Disney world. I'd probably have the Happily Ever After Cinderella button, the mickey bridal ears with "Mrs. So-and-so" embroidered on it, and  buying Mickey his and her towels (just a note, I dislike Minnie Mouse). 


     While I am in no rush, I am excited to be in this magical period of possibility. For me, I only want to be married once in my life. I just pray that the wedding wont give me a pre-marital headache!